I wrote a few weeks back about my mind running with endless to dos and just generally feeling that my thoughts were out of control. An insight I’ve had since then (and not for the first time, but more of a remembering) is that when I am feeling that way, really frantic in my thoughts and generally overwhelmed by all of the anxiety I am creating, it’s usually because I’m avoiding feeling something.
As unpleasant as it is to be anxious and stressed and living in my head and totally disconnected from myself, sometimes that’s more comfortable that actually slowing down enough to get in touch with my body whatever feelings might be living there.
I had a moment a few days after I wrote that piece. I woke up one morning with a sense of deep exhaustion, and before I immediately jumped into Here’s what I need to get started on, and here’s what I don’t have enough time for, and here’s… I simply felt my exhaustion and thought I feel kinda sad today. Then instead of going into a big analysis of why and then the countering of that with But here’s all of the things I have to be grateful for…, I simply let myself be sad.
And as I let that sadness be, for the morning and throughout the day, it started speaking to me a bit, helping me understand why it was there. I realized that as much as things are really good right now, I’m still in kind of a grief cycle. I’m moving through some big changes in my life, saying goodbye to our home of 9 years, living with the acute awareness that Ava’s childhood is speeding by, losing our beloved (and first-ever) nanny, to name a few. And change is always accompanied by some amount of grief, even really beautiful change.
Since then, I’ve been noticing how tempting it is to get all up in my head about one thing or another, and then consciously coming back to my body to see what I’m running away from. Usually it’s sadness. Or uncertainty.
I think we go to great lengths, as humans, to avoid those very feelings. Feeling worried, or angry, or dropping into problem-solving mode and getting hyper-focused on solutions are all great ways to avoid actually feeling our feelings.
So that’s my offering this week. An invitation to slow down a little bit and drop into your body. To stay with whatever you find there, even if it’s uncomfortable. Especially if it’s uncomfortable.
There is wisdom on the other side of whatever we are avoiding.